The poets are just kids who didn't make it

I have created my new journal! It's censoredsoul  Friend me there! I plan on updating it on a more regular basis than I did this one, or at least I'll update it whenever I think I have something of interest to say.

Not that I ever post here anyway, but I've decided to get a new LJ, and eventually delete this one. I don't like the name anymore.

Once I get it, I intend to begin posting there on a semi regular basis. You know, incase anyone cares. If you care, or even notice for that matter, let me know by friending the new journal, which I will post the name of once I think of it and create it. I have no idea how long that will take, because I want to think of something good that I won't get sick of in a few months.

I also plan on being significantly less whiny on my new journal, and use it as less of a diary. The new journal will be more fics, poetry, reveiws of things, etc.

Taken from chebonne. The Challenge: "Think of 15 albums that had such a profound effect on you they changed your life or the way you looked at it. They sucked you in and took you over for days, weeks, months, years. These are the albums that you can use to identify time, places, people, emotions. These are the albums that no matter what they were thought of musically shaped your world.

Hrm. This is going to take some thinking. Not in any order really.

The Black Parade -My Chemical Romance
Well duh. The discovery of MCR, starting with this album, literally saved my life. It fueled not only fuels, but created my passion for music. Not really news to anyone.

Millennium -Backstreet Boys
Ugh, yeah I know. Boy bands. But this was the only thing I listened to from the ages of like, 6 to 12. It was the only music I voluntarily exposed myself too, and I can still sing all the words to most of their songs. Also my first concert. So yes.

Life in Cartoon Motion -Mika
Basically, I take this as a part of my diversity in musical taste, and hearing Grace Kelly reminded me that happy music exists. I am in love with every song on here, and Mika is just such a ridiculous character in his songs, it makes me happy, even if the song isn't happy.

Tea and Sympathy -Bernard Fanning
Along with the intense connections to Australia that this album has for me, it's one that no one else I know really would have ever even heard of if it weren't for me probably, and none of them listen to. It's something unique about me and my past, and gives me a huge dose of serenity whenever I listen to it. Good music for panic attack type situations.

Kala -MIA
This album is entirely random in every sense of the word. It almost feels like it was thrown together with the scraps of failed songs, movie sound effects, and anything that sounded neat. I got it from Kayla cause she didn't like it, and at first I was unsure, but the oddity of it just amuses me. Plus, it's uber catchy.

Who Killed Amanda Palmer? -Amanda Palmer
I was aware of Amanda Palmer, and the Dresden Dolls before hearing this album, and I loved them, but this was what really made me stop and listen. Runs in the Family took my breath away, and Amanda's voice is so hugely unique. The way she brings all the elements together, creating such life in her music, it's amazing.

In Love and Death -The Used
I couldn't really explain what this album means to me or anything, it's just the power of the music, the lyrics, and the feeling I get, like I'm watching a car crash, every time I really get into the music. I can't look away. It's beautiful and heartbreaking, and Bert fascinates me so much. "Don't make it look so pretty burning!" That kinda describes it.

From Under the Cork Tree -Fall Out Boy
Pete is actually a huge inspiration to me, lyrically. The diversity of their songs is really great, and Patrick was basically the first dude who I discovered who was seriously vocally talented, not just in the way that some guys can kinda sing. He was actually melodic and really fucking awesome.

A Fever You Can't Sweat Out -Panic! at the Disco (I can totally use the ! for this album.)
I sorta feel like Panic are my babies, cause before they were everywhere, Nicole showed me the video for I Write Sins Not Tragedies and I showed it to basically everyone I knew. Their sound was really exciting and different, and dripping with sarcasm. They are also huge inspiration to me in getting my band off the ground.

Jagged Little Pill -Alanis Morissette
Apparently I was in love with this album when I was little, and made my parents buy it for me. But I rediscovered it recently, and it reinforced my belief that girls can fucking rock. Alanis was cocky, independent, and confidant, without being perfect. Kinda everything I wanted to be on the surface. And another unique voice that was really great, even if it wasn't perfect in a technical sense.

You're Awful, I Love You -Ludo
I honestly have to thank Kyle for me liking this band. I had heard one song, and loved it, but hadn't intended to investigate further, when I promised him I would get an autograph at Warped. I ended up making a deal with the merch guy which involved buying a cd so he would get my notebook signed while I watched TAI. I ended up meeting the band anyway, watched them play, and was hooked. Another reminder that music can not only be happy, but it can be completely silly and not serious at all!

Tidal -Fiona Apple
Fiona Apple has such a huge, soulful voice for such a small person, that it only took one song and I was hooked. I listened to Paper Bag on repeat for days, and then I absorbed every other song I could get via youtube. I bought this album because it was the only one they had at Best Buy, and it was not a disappoint from the other songs I had heard.

Louder Now -Taking Back Sunday
I've only recently started becoming really obsessed with Taking Back Sunday, even though I've liked them for a while. This was their first album that I heard, and I went backwards from here, getting really into some of the older stuff. Adam has such fantastic stage presence. The sound feels like summer to me, and it's exactly what I'm craving right now.

Viva la Cobra -Cobra Starship
This is the closest thing to pop music I think, that I listen to, and Gabe's outfits have definitely inspired my bright color phase. It's one of the few things that I listen to that you can really dance to, like seriously, and I'm sad that it took me this long to really get into them. And I have a feeling that Gabe is going to be my next fascination.

Fast Times at Barrington High -The Academy Is...
I don't know why this album strikes me in particular. It's so summer, so high school, and so almost pop, it makes me feel strangely optimistic. Even though sound wise, it's the complete opposite of what I'm craving right now.

It’s a close call, a sweet feeling, and a place you’d never have imagined yourself to be. A scene you weren’t supposed to be a part of. But it’s you now, you realize. It’s who you are and soon it will be all you have. If you could only settle on absolutes. Every decision, every track, every course, every path has to be complete. Must be clearly defined, every outcome expected and prepared for. But inner absolutes you have more trouble with, for every trait has a million outcomes, different applications for different situations and it’s all an endless terror. Certainty is overrated but if you could learn to live for today, you’d be dead by now. You’re careful, but usually too careful. Precise, but not knowledgeable enough to do the thing proper. And that one time you don’t foresee the outcome, well that’s when you end up vomiting for three days, and with nothing to show for it. You want to throw yourself over to the tides and forces of the world, but find that the opportunities just aren’t arising. You blame it on the limits of a small town, but you know that on the underside of the smooth surface of a rock is the dirt, the bugs, and the darkness. You just can’t put yourself out there enough to receive what you are looking for. The purer parts of you won’t allow you to take on the idealized car crash persona you yearn for. Because you’re the type of person who always needs to have an escape route, multiple escape routes. And while there’s always the escape route of a final escape, you don’t want to go there again, you need options. “Don’t make it look so pretty burning!” Oh, but it does. It’s such a gorgeous idea, to truly not care. To be apathetic like you have never achieved before. For when you truly do not care about success, love, emotion of any kind, or your own life, you can pursue anything imaginable. You can be limitless in your pleasure when you don’t care for consequences. But you’ve never found that blissful balance. When you waver toward apathy, you disengage, becoming numb. You are a being fueled by passion, though your decisions don’t reflect that, analytical and logical. When nothing burns you enough to care for, you find that everything else just isn’t worth bothering with. Bu the thing about passion, about fire, is just that. It burns. So the ultimate decision that you have to make is which is worse? Agony or apathy?

Well in regards to baseball, I have no idea, and I don't really care.

But in the other sense... It was awkward. We were sitting outside the theatre, waiting for the previous showing to be over so we could go in. My parents had allowed me to go only under the circumstances that his older sister and her boyfriend remain with us the whole time. They dropped us off at the theatre and left. He just kinda looked at me, and next thing I knew he was shoving his tongue into my mouth. It reall wasn't all that bad, just awkward. I'm sure he was just as nervous and unsure of what to do as I was. All in all, it was a fond memory.

Hmm. Yes. So, Kyle. The love of my life and also causer of all things angsty in my life currently. We seem to have a good night then a bad night. Sunday at Kakie's was a good night. Last night= bad night. Me being uber curious, and slightly guilty, asked if he would send me a picture of his cuts. Like the passing out, never feel my leg again ones. And he said he would, as soon as he was alone. About an hour or so later... "Would seeing my cuts turn you on?" "No." "I think they might." *rolls eyes* That bothered me a lot more than I told him. I know to some point he likes it, or at least tries to justify it. Early on he asked if he could drink my blood sometime. And then later he wanted to be a pagan. I said sure, have fun. Then he said that there were blood rituals and was I okay with that? No, I was not. As soon as he said it I knew he was just using it as a way to justify cutting himself. And he didn't even realize it. I had to tell him twice before he got it. Ugh.

And he copied my whole signature thing. His is Alone. Beaten. Betrayed. Alone is easy to figure out, though technically he has me even though I'm not right there with him, he's still not alone, but whatever. Beaten, also pretty easy, but a bad word choice. He beat himself up over what he did. Betrayed. This is the one that pissed me off. He said, she knew about you but she didn't stop me. *feral snarl* I lost it a little on that one. Don't blame her. That's what I said. Because you were the one who did it. Take responsibility for your own fucking actions. Which he does, I know he does. But to even think that...

He unfortunately takes a bit too much responsibility for his actions. He has every reason to feel guilty and to be upset with himself. But I forgave him. It still hurts, but mostly I've accepted that it happened. I would really like it if he could take some comfort from that fact. I'm still really afraid that he will try to kill himself or cut too deep again. He's sort of consumed in all of his shit, he's not really seeing things properly I think. And it makes me really sad, but also pisses me off slightly. Stop wallowing in your fucking guilt for a second to see that you are still hurting me!

Last night I told him, twice in fact, that he hadn't been saying that he loved me that often anymore. Even before everything happened. Lately he hadn't even been saying it back when I said it. Finally I flat out asked if he still loved me. After conveniently falling asleep, he said yes, he did. Which made me feel a little better. Then he abruptly said he was going to sleep and when I said okay. goodnight, I love you... No response. *sigh* Part of me rationalizes that he was tired, he fell asleep before getting you txt. But typically that would get me an apology and an I love you in the morning. Nothing. And this isn't the first time it has happened either.

When I'm on the phone with him, it's not hard to believe he loves me. When we're txting, it's pretty hard. That's why I need so desperately to see him. It would be a million times easier to read his facial expressions, body language, words, and voice all at the same time. But it looks like by the time we actually get to see each other, there might be irreversible damage done. I don't want to lose him. I'll do anything to stop this, but there's nothing I can do.

Wanna write. can't but that's okay because I didn't really want to in the first place. Felt it necessary. I MUST finish this fic. Must move on to the next idea that will just fade and drip away like condensation on a bus window. An outlet for scribbled obscenties until someone wipes it away to see when their stop is. A return to real life. Real life sucks. If I even actually post this I'll only end up feeling guilty for this. Writing something that no one will read anyway. Don't want to listen to music. Don't want to write a poem. Well I do. but I probably couldn't if I tried. I jsut want to curl up with a blanket and the boy that loves me.Warm away the cold on my skin, spreading to my bones. Almost every close friend I have has had this disease. This compulsion and this alienation. I'm still trying to  figure out waht that means. Sometimes I feel guilty, I know that at least two of these cases are my fault. But I also wonder. The ones who did it before I met them. are we that branded? Do we gravitate, through some sixth sense to eachother because we all know that shared defense before we even talk? And is that a good thing? Are we meant to band together and help each other? Thats what I'm trying to do. Or does it just mean that we truly are the stereotype. I wish I had been born when there were hippies. I could have lived then. I could have done drugs and been happy and died young like I want to. Now with my holier than thou overactive straightedge concience I'll have to accomplish that by my own hand or pray for a masochistic miracle. And I know my role in life will some day be the starving musician. To unglorify what I have seen as something to be respected. I will learn my lesson and watch all my wishing to be poetic blog entries become hollowed out by the hand of karma. 

Take away my fear. My reservations. Let me live and die and not care.

Is it weird that I have never really thought about my "dream guy"? I mean, I think about everything. Everything. I over think and rethink. I think about things I shouldn't. I think about things that other people won't. But I've never really thought about what I actually want when it comes to a guy. Spouting from boredom and taking personality quizzes, I have discovered that I don't really know what I want. I can't even begin to think about what I want from a guy, and find that I don't really want to. I'm not sure why that is, but I know it can't be good. 

And I'm sick of being so doubtful about my relationship when I'm alone, but when I'm with him every thing is perfect. Friday night, sleeping with him on the couch, I actually felt content for the first time in my life. I have been happy, excited, and various other good emotions like that, but I have never been so calm and perfectly fine with absolutely everything around me like I was then. How can I feel that way one day, and the next day wonder whether I should be with him at all? Why can't I be happy?

Lastly, I have discovered that I am an extremely selfish person. While I haven't taken much time to reflect on that yet, I know it's true. Though sometimes I wonder if anyone does anything without a personal reason behind it. Seriously, even people who live for making others happy only do it because it makes them feel good about themselves. I am selfish, self-centered, a little bit vain, and very self-conscious, which just proves all the rest. There is not a single thing in my life that someone doesn't know. And many things that most people know that they probably shouldn't. Sometimes I wonder if my life, or soul, or mind, or something is even my own. Even these thoughts are being typed out and thrust here for anyone to see. There is nothing interesting about be because you get everything there is about me right away. I mean, why bother continuing on, you won't learn anything new. People only want me for what I can offer them, not because I am an honestly interesting person. Haha, wasn't that a very  selfish thought right there?

Woo, so lj strike? March 21st? Makes sense to me. Go do it. I will, regardless of how hard it may be. I have found that live journal is way more  addicting that any other site I tend to go on. But that's probably only because there is fanfiction there. And who can resist that? lol

 Ugh, I think my slightly more girly side that has been showing is having side effects. I was sitting here, completely innocent, and just finished reading a really adorable fic. So I laughed and squeed at the cuteness and then I'll Cover You came on my music player and all of a sudden I was crying. CRYING!!!! It was so fucking random, but it actually happened, like 2 seconds ago. It's because of Kyle. He has been really depressed lately, especially today. I don't think he understands all the things he says, like wanting nothing more than for me to be happy, I feel the same way for him. And it hurts me so much for him to tell me that he isn't good enough, when the truth is I probably don't deserve someone as amazing as him. The sudden happy, joyous love song just really hit me I guess. 

Argh, fuck. The I'll Cover You Reprise just came on. Right after the fucking regular one. *sigh* Well I guess I'll go cry some more now.

 Ugh. You know, fanfiction is so much better than real life. Like the moans and such? Nope. Little whimpers that can only be heard when his lips are pressed against my ear, sure, but only sometimes. Rarely. And other things. But seriously. The fact that I kind of love being able to look in the mirror and  have that little visible reminder of what I'm so lucky to have clashes horribly with my mother's view of what is trashy. lol "If you ever leave a mark on her again..." 

My parents seem to have switched roles. My mother is now he bad guy and my father is the good guy. I'm still being cautious though. But she is apparently the one who is saying that I can't take my computer in my room and that they get to know what the password is. I am going to fucking kill her if I finally get my own computer but still don't get any privacy.

So much life in me now, it's amazing. New hair, lots of things to do, to look forward to. I feel so real, so alive, and so happy. Some tiny part of me is just waiting for it all to stop, but right now I figure I might as well enjoy it while it lasts. But I feel like something should come of all this. I feel the need to be productive and have something to show for it all when it eventually all goes away.

Also *gasp* enjoying gym class. If we could afford it I would totally ask my parents to get a treadmill. But I think I'm gonna be all, strengthen myself in  gym class, especially my upper body. And maybe I could lose some weight!

I've been sleeping better too, which I think I might go do soon.

 You know those songs where you can hear the first, like 2 seconds and immediately know what the song is? Yeah. 

Lately there has just been so much in my head and I feel like there is, or should be, a pounding, pounding, pounding there. The drum beat to  a song that hasn't been written yet. And I see myself dancing to it. Not really dancing, but moving just moving in a way without though.Letting go like I so rarely do. I really need a concert. I need to get to the nearest screamo concert and just fucking MOSH until I get knocked out by a stray fist or something. Because there is some restless beast in me that is just pushing on every bit of me it can find until something it does releases it from it's cage. It made me depressed and it made me creative. It made me overexert on the treadmills in gym class until I had a stitch in my side but I wouldn't stop, couldn't stop. And the floor moved beneath me when class was over. Something is fighting inside me and it's just too long until the MCR concert. Too long until I'll be able to forget everything and let go.

And I've had the worst time with my relationship. We are so perfect together. But in my head, I'm ruining it all. I'm afraid to say that I love him unless he says it first. I avoid filling out surveys on myspace because I don't want to tell the truth. I'm not sure if this is love. I'm still not sure if I even believe in love. I have all these second guessings and doubts in my head. But it seems like none of them are there when I'm with him. But I can't talk to him. A simple joke can make him think that I'm going to break up with him. I feel like it's always me comforting him and holding him up and if I tell him something is troubling me he will make it out to be his fault or he will worry and hurt himself because of it. I stopped posting random, senseless blogs on myspace because he would always read them and take it the wrong way. But I fear what would happen if I left him. What he would do to himself. And I know that I would miss the good things. Also, it puts a huge strain on me that every time we hug or kiss in the hallway, someone is looking at us. Laughing or saying "Ew, gross." I'm self-conscious enough without their help and I finally get to be with someone and have the same things that they have had for years and I can't do it without feeling awkward or wrong somehow. And now I realize that some disgusting part of me wants him to move like he said he might so that I would be able to miss him and have all the good without the bad. And maybe he would find someone else and move on. Forget me. And I know I would be hurt. But I'll move on eventually too. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I love him, but I'm not sure at all.

 So I was watching a live Painc concert and I've decided that Ryan needs to sing more. Like A LOT more. Jon too, but especially Ryan. I mean his voice is good, but it doesn't have the passion and uniqueness that Brendon's does. Also, it's nothing like his speaking voice. THANK GOD fo that though. The monotony makes me want to kill him. I wonder what you'd have to do to get that boy to talk with some emotion... haha. But people's singing voices are rarely ever like their speaking voices. I mean Amy Lee, she has a hugely powerful singing voice, but her speaking voice soounds so modest. I hope there are more Ryan and Jon on Pretty. Odd. I mean I am in love with Brendon's voice, but the idea of Ryan singing just makes me squee for some reason.

On a completely different note, I watched some of this really interesting movie last night. It was called A Home at the End of the World. I recorded it on a whim; I had never even heard of it before but it looked interesting. It was. An insane love triangle thing. I can't wait to finish watching it.

Last thing, I swear. I went to dinner with Kyle, his sister, and her boyfriend last night. It was strange at first. His sister and her boyfriend, well at first I would have just called them immature, and maybe I would still, but they were fun too. They played games at the arcade in Ci Ci's, did donuts in the Big Lot's parking lot, and went flying over speed bumps to make the car bounce. It was insane, in a good way.

The first band I ever really became a fan of was My Chemical Romance. Before that I had just followed the trends and never really found meaning in music. MCR wowed me the first time I saw a video. They have never stopped. When I was suicidal they made me want to live and not only is their music amazing it has good, deep meaning and they are 5 of the most amazing, real, good people I have ever not known.

 

Welcome to 2007 everyone! Looking back on last year I would have to say... ok I won't lie it was terrible. But there's always hope for this one. I think it's obvious what my resolution is so I won't get into  that. I hope that everyone had a good year, will keep this year's resolutions, and have an overall good year of 2007. I plan on making my year a fun one and full of friends, parties, and hopefully a boyfriend though that stretching even my imagination a bit. If everything was how I wnated it that special someone that I am thinking of right now will be here next year to give me the first kiss of 2008. But that enough daydreaming have a great 2007!

Sometime I honestly wonder what I am doing. In general, it seems like everything turns to nothing so I never have a chance to succeed. Why do we try to be someone in life when we know at any given moment we could lose it all to someting that could be better or worse or simply a cease of thought and existance. Tommorow all my friends are going to be here and they will also be meeting my grandmother who is going to be staying after all cause the bed and breakfast is too expensive. Great. There is a little snippet of a poem that I never finished that I think I'm gonna post just to get it out there.  It's a quote by my friend and I was going to incorporate other things that have been said or that have happened to us. But then my friend called and I lost it. The inner red-eyed demon is supposed to be Mary. Feeling poetic I think I'll try to write something.

I’m smiling cause they haven’t found the bodies yet

But who could find the bodies of my souls

For every time I think I’ve found my heart again

My inner red-eyed demon comes to pull me down

With her beautiful death fingers
She hits me from behind

Well I'm just going to say it here cause I doubt that anyone will read it. I have been cut free for 29 days. Great huh? Not really. I have finally come to know how It feels to be truly empty. I used to be happy some times and other times If i listened to the right music and thought those thoughts I knew I shouldn't then I would sink to a level below what you could believe and afterward even if I didn't cut I felt a clarity and calmness within myself that I couldn't find any other way. When I cut it was that same clarity but with an energy and fierceness. Now I can't find that at all. When I listen to the music and let myself fall all I find is depression and a gaping hole in my heart and somehow in my very existence and as hard as I try to block it out the voice inside me whispers "You know how to fix this. Find the razor. Feel the blood and the pain, and live." Too many nights I have listened to this voice and its harsh whispers that I can't ignore. I know of no other escape, no other way to find that state of mind. But hurting all of the few people who actually care is more than I can stand to think of. Is there no other way? I am utterly lost.

Well much to say about lots of things. Many Harry Potter news came to me today including the title of book 7! Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Sounds dramatic and I love it even though some people don't. Also a run-in with a certain blonde haired someone via Xigbar was very amusing. Draco was thrown from his world into ours and (he was in his 5th year when we met him) learned some disturbing news about a task he would be given from the Dark Lord and how he would fail. I'm starting to feel a small bit of regret for making him cry, though it was funny at the time. Can't wait till the 29th and seeing all my friends again. also must say AtmosFear rules!

Well seeing as this is my first day with my livejournal I'm still figuring out how everything works. Not bad for starters though don't you think? Sometime or another there will be a Shriek's Basement for all paranormal sightings and etc. But Zexion will probably be the authority on that since she knows more than I do about this stuff right now. On a different note OMG they have ferret smilies!! I saw them and I was like it's Draco the amazing bouncing ferret! lol I'm such a loser. Ok I changed my mind the ferret smilies suck. *wanders off in search of better smilies* Well I was just informed by the spell check that smilies is spelled smileys. Bleh I'll have to remember that.